My friend, CES, and I have been recently discussing several different topics that we married women get frustrated by and struggle to find our own personal opinions of them. CES has done a great job explaining one of those major topics in married life--at least for wives. Hope you are encouraged and challenged in some ways, too. Love--your Get Real, Woman! blogger, Becky Smith. ENJOY!
The Trouble With "Trying"
When I was in high school - and even in college - I always thought it was so cute when young married couples would say that they were “trying.” In my naive mind that meant “We’re totally loving this! Our marriage is great. We have sex all the time. It’s awesome!”
Oh, how wrong I was.
Don’t misunderstand. My marriage IS great. I have a phenomenal husband - smart, funny, financially responsible, handsome, musically talented, not to mention he loves the Lord. -- He’s the real deal and I am 100 percent blessed to have him in my life.
But -- this “trying” thing…it’s awful.
First of all - and maybe if I’d paid more attention in health class I would’ve picked up on this - As a woman, you’re only really fertile for a few days each month. You want to talk about pressure? Thanks to the internet and some fun little apps I can tell you exactly when those days are for the next several months. The problem is that those are also typically also the days when one of us is legitimately sick, injured, exhausted, away on business, or just plain not really feeling up to sex. But we “try” anyway.
Then over the next two weeks I struggle… every time I want pickles or ice cream, I question - is this a craving or just PMS? Every slight movement in my pelvis makes me wonder if it is the cramping of the earliest sign of pregnancy or just indigestion. I find myself tired after a long day of work and I convince myself that it’s a sign of the exhaustion of week 3 of pregnancy and start doodling the baby names I like on the scrap paper beside my desk and googling “nursery ideas.”
It’s cruel really. The symptoms of pregnancy being so close to regular PMS; a thing that I haven’t dealt with for years since I got on the pill. See, I never took birth control through high school, or even college, because I thought it was too much of an “indicator of sexual activity” and I wanted to stay pure but then the cramps that would keep me home from school started keeping me home from work and I knew I couldn’t keep that pattern if I wanted to keep my job so I went on the pill. Not only did my acne clear up (woot!) but my cramps disappeared and I stopped being psycho.
But then I got married and felt terribly convicted about using the pill for it’s “intended purpose” so I stopped and we started “trying.” Now I’m back to being psychotic once a month - conveniently at the time when I have the lovely opportunity of testing to see if I’m pregnant - not that it’s necessary since the last two weeks have convinced me that I am.
Only, I’m not. I fail the pregnancy test - again - with a single line.
It’s devastating. Over and over again. Month in and month out. This “trying” thing sucks. It sucks the life right out of me. It makes me crumble to the floor in tears. My husband finds me there and then I find myself, both of us on our knees and think…. Maybe this is how we need to start “trying”.... Maybe this is the “optimal position” for getting pregnant… Let us stop pressuring ourselves with dates and actions and instead just turn it all over to God - the true Giver of Life. Instead of “trying.” I want to surrender. I need to surrender this.
Desiring to be a mother has turned into an idol. I need to repent. My future children ought not be born out of selfishness but out of humility. God is the one who will bless me with children not my husband; though certainly he’ll help. We need - I need - to be patient and trusting that the God Who Hears will hear me and fulfill HIS promises. It’s not about me.
Heavenly Father -
I can not endure this on my own. Even with my husband - I don’t want to do this without You. Help me to trust you. Help me to surrender my desires so that they can conform to Yours. Help me not to idolize pregnancy. I know that your word says that children are a blessing and I pray that you would bless us in that way - I trust that you will but I know that it will not be at the expense of Your Glory. Your timing will ALWAYS be far better than whatever my futile plans might be - help me to remember that when I get discouraged. But mostly Lord I just pray that Your will be done in our lives. In your son Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.